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| i've been tripping over my words like a pre-pubescent boy with his shoes untied.
tip-toeing
on egg shells all because i want everyone to like me. and then i hear
people talking about people like me with such disdain. appeasers and
door-mats of america, you understand what i mean.
most of the
time its so much easier being a people-pleaser, but then you end up
getting walked all over, and you begin to lose sight of who you are.
i've
pretty much done this my whole life, but in recent years have gotten a
lot better. and i hugely have my husband to thank for a lot of that. he
has really tought me how to stand up for myself. being an army wife has
also made me stronger. i've taken david by surprise in recent years
when i fight back during arguments instead of just breaking down in
tears. so i would say i'm heading in the right direction. AA for those
addicted to pleasing the masses. but maybe "Appeasers Anon".
the
more i take steps towards being more level headed in this aspect, the
more i feel happier with myself and the more i feel confident. i can
really tell i have changed because my self-esteem now as an overweight
person, is much higher than during any time in high school when i was
skinny as a pole.
i mostly write this blog that way when i begin
to be a self-loathing people pleaser, i can look back to my blogging
and think to myself- HEY! i don't have to take anyone's BS!! lol.
you
know what i find really funny though... no matter how often i try to
get the world to like me, for some reason when i get behind the wheel
of any vehicle, all that stuff goes out the window in a BLAZE!! oooo i
can be such a b-word when i drive. hahahahaha i think everyone can be
though. driving just does something to you i guess. that's something to
think about huh? lol
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| its been awhile... sorry. have you checked out my myspace page. cause thats normally where i am.
www.myspace.com/shanelley
so i've noticed that almost every-other blog i write is about how i
miss home. but the truth is... that's pretty much how much it consumes
me.
have you ever been to a get-together or a party where you
didn't really know anybody and it seemed you didn't fit in at all? even
if everyone is nice, you just can't seem to jump in conversation, and
all you can feel is constant awkwardness? most of the time you are
cordial, stick around for awhile, and then politely leave. and once you
are home, it feels so nice.
i pretty much feel that way all the
time. looking at my calendar/watch wondering when it will be time to go
home. i wish i could think about other things. i wish i could just have
a good time in this beautiful country. but no matter how hard i try, i
can't stop wishing and hoping that i could get on a plane tomorrow and
head back to texas.
they started playing a Bowling For Soup
song here called "Come Back to Texas" its a real upbeat happy song. and
of course, like a baby, the first time i heard it i got all teary. i'm
such a dork, i know.
i feel like i am stuck in this place of
limbo where i'm just waiting for the good part of my life to start
back up again. but until then i have to wait. and nothing seems to make
the time go by faster. i've tried a lot of things.
even at the
most awkward of parties you probably know one or two people. but
eventually even the comfort of their company can't fight off the
constant wanting to go home. i am so thankful for martha and katie.
words can not describe. it can be very difficult though when we are all
in the same boat. i do thank God every day for them though. they are my
light in a dark place.
and on top of everything, david is the
one person who i always want to be around. i hardly ever see him during
the week cause he works during the day and i don't get home till pretty
late from my job. so i have started to become needy and constantly
wanting to demand his time on the two days a week i can spend time with
him. i've never wanted to be a needy wife. so i'm having to deal with
that right now. ugh. its just, he is the one member of my family that i
have here, and i feel like i literally need him to make it through the
day.
so to help i'm trying to indulge in my hobbies more. work
on my screenplay, scrapbook, oraganize old pictures and letters and
memories and whatnot, myspace (in the verb tense) :) and of course
ALWAYS brag to other people how Texas is the greatest state in the
union!!!! period.
it always feels good to blog like this. i guess it just sucks that you guys have to hear this every other time.
thanks for listening. i'll still always be smiling :)
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so
i've been watching a lot of grey's anatomy lately. i can't believe i
didn't start watching that show sooner. i love it so much, as does half
of the globe.
i don't know about anyone else that watches the
show, but i always find myself with my mouth hanging to my knees in
suspense, and this phrase always falling out of it...
" i can't even imagine..."
really,
i can't. i can't even imagine having a tree stuck through me or having
a son that had that injury, or i can't even imagine performing open
heart surgery on someone, or i can't even imagine falling for a married
man, and so on and so on.
i think in many ways, that is what
makes it a great show. it captivates you and tries to help you
understand and feel what it would be like to be in those type of
situations.
and this is why i cry so often watching that show.
ok ok i know, i cry alot watching movies and tv... i am a big loser!
but i think thats why i am so interested in doing movies and stuff
because i love how effective media is.
but aside from using
the phrase "i can't even imagine" when watching tv shows like grey's
anatomy, we use it in every day life too.
driving by that car
wreck on the freeway, walking by a homeless guy in downtown, seeing a
GIANT desert being served to one person at a restaurant, judging the
single mom who spanks her kid in public, and the list goes on....
do
you ever feel guilty for just thinking... "i can't even imagine"??
maybe i do because i have guilt issues, but a lot of times (not all the
time) something can be done to prevent those kinds of things from
happening in your own life, or to even help those you see in a
situation like that.
it all goes back to that one episode where
George and Izzy are sitting down in a hallway and they are talking
about being Doers and Watcheres. In all honesty, i find myself
identifying with them and labeling myself as a Watcher. its something i
need to work on for sure.
so are you a doer? or a watcher? and either way... what can you or I do to better ourselves in that aspect? | | |
| Ok, i normally hate little chain letter things, but this thing is so much fun! try it out. it will be sure to get some laughs. if you don't have an iPod, just use iTunes if you have it on your computer.
have fun!!! my results are pretty hilarious...
IF LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
1. PUT YOUR IPOD ON SHUFFLE
2. PRESS PLAY
3. DON'T CHEAT
4. EACH QUESTION, PUSH BUTTON
5. NEXT QUESTION, PUSH FORWARD
6. SERIOUSLY, DON'T CHEAT
Opening Credits: "Where the hood at" - DMX
Waking Up: "Git Up" - D12
First Day Of School: "Doll" - GooGoo Dolls
Falling In Love: "Heat on the Street" - Phil Collins
Fight Song: "Peaches and Cream" - 112
Breaking Up: "Arlington Eyes" - Dead Poetic
Prom: "Secret of The Easy Yoke" - Pedro the Lion
Graduation: "Pain" - Jimmy Eat World
Life's Ok: "On the Line" - Gnarls Barkley
First Day On The Job: "Double Team" - Tenacious D
Mental Breakdown: "Waiting on You" - Weezer
Driving: "My Love" - Justin Timberlake
Flashback: "Maps" - The Yeah Yeah Yeah's
Getting Back Together: "Neon" - John Mayer
Birth Of A Child: "Can't Stop" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Wedding: "All These Things" - Harry Conick Jr.
Chase Scene: "One I Love" - Coldplay
Final Battle: "10 Minutes" - The Get Up Kids
Death Scene: "My Own Summer (Shove It)" - Deftones
Funeral Song: "Faliing Down" - Muse
End Credits: "Believe me Natalie" - The Killers
Sequel Trailer: "Crush" - Jimmy Eat World | | |
| Ok, so David and I took a picture for our Christmas newsletter. and we took it with our dogs. well david thinks their eyes are too creepy. like they look like alien dogs. i don't think its a big deal. i just wanted to see what you thought. so please help me by replying to this bulletin/blog.creepy? or a good picture?thanks! | | |
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